PREMONITIONS

 I was standing at the kitchen counter shoving toasted outdoor rolls with butter  in  my pie hole just now and  I  "Saw" Terry  drive up and park our  new used rv in the parking lot.  Today.

I just shook my head and told myself not to be silly.

Then I remembered previous premonitions.

In 1980 I dreamed my  pal  Aime would be nine  months  pregnant  at our ten year  high  school reunion.

It was so vivid  that I called her to  tell  her.   She told me  it  wouldn't happen.  She said she'd been on fertility drugs  a few years with no success and they were  giving up.

In 1985 I walked into  our ten  year reunion at  Shilshole  Bay  and  spotted  Tom.  He grinned and waved and I walked up behind Aime.  She turned  around. She was nine months pregnant.  I said, "Wow, this is just  like my dream five  years  ago."  She turned white as a sheet.

I had a few other premonitions but nothing as dramatic as that one.

Miracle Product ALERT! FLAX SEED OIL

So, to fight depression, like most women, I turned to my hair.

I decided I'd feel more fit if I had long hair. 

So, I started growing it out for the first time since 1993.  I got it frosted and I was feeling rather sporty. BUT the bleach made it feel dried out so I decided to do a hot oil treatment. When Terry wasn't looking, I snuck his quart of Barlean's flax oil from the fridge. I nuked a 1/2 cup for 30 seconds then went to the bathroom  and poured some over my head.  That was awkward, so I dunked my two pig-tails in and worked it upwards.  Brenda had given me a bunch of  thin shower caps for Christmas so I was good to go. THEN  I got to thinking about my dining room table we bought when we got married in 1992.  It has big patches where the min-wax had been burned off over the years and I wanted to use a natural oil to "fix"it.  I  THOUGHT about flax oil (since Terry conveniently keeps a quart in the fridge door to swill down a tablespoon every morning) and  looked it up on the internet.  WELL, who knew linseed oil  (which I had heard of for years) was the SAME as flax seed oil? Not  me. So  when the oil started oozing down from under the wimpy shower cap  and  down my neck, I thought, "Don't  be wasteful! Grab your new Ryobi cordless palm-sander and SAND that table top!"  My THEORY was that if I was fast enough sanding, I could rub my head  on that tabletop and PRESTO!  It would look as good as new.  It was a great theory but by then it was nine PM and I was half asleep so I rinsed my hair and  went  to  bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Letter From Our Unofficially Adopted Florida Son

Hello Terry and Gretchen!

I got your Christmas card over two weeks ago, and I've been trying to find a moment in all this lunacy to write.  Our football team went undefeated last season for the first time in history, and the party has been going so strong since the peach bowl the streets downtown are still closed!

I loved reading your letter, it's good to see y'all are doing well!  I had to chuckle at your footnote about visiting Key West.   I've lived my entire life in central Florida and have never been there.  People find it funny that I've been to the Northwestern most point of the nation over 3000 miles away, and haven't been to the Southeastern end, only a 5hour drive.

I am definitely ready to go, so just let me know in advance, and I'll accompany you!  Of course, I could not do such an adventure without Lucy, that Ranchero has made it to the other side of the continent already, so she needs to be there for the other end too.  Looks like we'll have a convoy!

As for Terry wanting a pet alligator, I could probably hook y'all up, but it's not nearly as much fun as it sounds.  My brother captured a good sized one a year or two back to gift to my mother for her birthday, and that went about as well as could be expected.  They are lazy, ill-tempered, heavy and covered in scratchy things.  The best way to deal with a gator around here is to roll it in breading and deep fry it for a couple minutes.  It tends to make them more enjoyable.

I can't wait to see you guys, and hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,

Alex

Boneless at the Nudie Spa

After a few splashes of hot mugwort water,
I followed Mary to the hottest hot pond at the nudie spa.
It was our fourth visit so we knew the routines fairly well
and I didn't expect anything new.
I was wrong about that.
Usually the clientele is about ninety percent older,
pleasingly plump ladies such as ourselves.
We must have missed the ad for Young Person Day
because as I sat down and let the jets work their
magic on my achy old bones, I noticed it was only ten percent
older ladies and ninety percent under fifty.
I saw more of normally hidden tatoos than I needed to.
I thought I was in an episode of "Orange is the New Black!"
Mary pointed to a sign on the wall indicating fake
organic snow to drop from the ceiling every two hours
and I thought that sounded wonderful.
We soaked and rotated into the steam room for
a few hours until our massages, then put our
spa robes over our boneless bodies for lunch in the tiny cafe.
I looked at the clock and was filled with excitement.
It was time to get in the middle hot pond for the snow show.
Mary didn't want to lose her massage oils so I climbed
down into the pond and felt a thrill as the fake snow
cascaded from the ceiling vent.  It was beautiful!
I unsuccessfully tried to catch one in my mouth but
managed to have a big flake land in my eye.
My eye started burning and I was in horrible pain.
Soap flake snow.

Doll Town

I walked down the aisle of our little library between the tables
and saw tiny Alyssa, standing over the recycle tub,
boldly cutting out four original paper dresses at one time.
The normally shy girl with long dark hair and big dark eyes,
had a look of fire in her eyes as the scraps of florescent yellow,
green, orange and pink paper fell away from her masterpieces.
I said, "Look girls, Alyssa has created a new technique for dressmaking."
All I could think was, "Lisa and I have birthed the next Liz Clairborne."
Once a month on a Friday afternoon our school holds elective classes
taught by parent volunteers. The two dozen classes range from coding
to cooking and all points in between.  Then there is Lisa and me.
I grew up with two sisters making paper dolls and dresses and ended up
with two sons. Lisa loves to sew and has two daughters, so she liked
the idea of running a paper doll class with me in our library.
We had eight six year old girls and one nine year old girl.
Near the end of our ninety minute class, our nine year old Gabriella
said, "I really like this class. It's nice to be with the little kids.
It reminds me of when I was young."
We started our class making little houses to store the dolls in.
I'd found a stack of old manilla folders in the workroom and
used the paper cutter to remove the tabs and add roofs.
The girls wrote their names and the year at the top and
were excited to use rulers for the first time to make straight
windows and doors.  Gabriella said, "I'm going to use my
math skills and make my windows perfect one inch squares."
My sister and I had found the card stock paper dolls down at
Michael's Arts and Crafts store. They had boy and girl dolls.
I had scrounged the staff work room for colorful recycled paper
and put my sample house and dresses and play sets up on the
white board to show the girls the importance of long tabs.
I had photocopied one dress and play set to get the girls started.
I introduced the class with the book, "10,000 Dresses"
and "The Princess and the Pea." In this version the princess
and characters were stylized paper dolls in paper ballgowns.
Once their houses were made, they put faces on their dolls
and they were off and cutting.  Some of our recycled paper
had old flyers on the back for Halloween so the girls used
the cool orange with owls for some nice fancy dresses.
I was delighted to see a few tiny wolf logos cut from
school newsletters taped to dresses for Cascade school pride.
When Alyssa taped a piece of white paper to beard her boy doll
and proclaimed him Santa, a flurry of Christmas-wear began.
Holiday dresses, play suits, pajamas, Santa suits...
Even black paper boots were taped to tiny feet.
When I asked the girls if they wanted the class again they
got very excited and told us everything they wanted to make
in future classes. Paper pets, food, furniture, cafes, barns
and little Haley stunned me when she said,
"I want to make a little house and a little doll for my
big doll to play with."  The little blue-eyed blond went on to
say,  "I want to make a doll town."

Birthday Lunch With My Kid

Yesterday I was sitting in my grubbies & saw
Troy leaving in his Chevy Blazer.
I leaned over the deck railing & yelled,
"Where's my birthday card?"
He turned red & waved cash at me.
I went down & he had TWO $20.00 bills in his hand.
I took it and said,
"Where do you want to go for my birthday lunch, I'm loaded."
 We went to Jay's cafe where he had a ham & cheese omelette,
sausage, bacon, hash-browns, pancakes,
a double bacon/blue cheese cheeseburger & French fries.
I had the special & the bill was $33.00
& I left a $5.00 tip.
Birthday cash from kid=$2.00,
Time With Kid=Priceless.

My Idea of Fashion Is...

My idea of fashion is to cover myself enough
to stay out of jail for indecent exposure.
One day, my bff Brenda was telling me how she just bought some
"motivation jeans."
She bought jeans two sizes too small to motivate her into losing weight.
She told me she has over a dozen pairs of jeans ranging from
"motivation wear"
to "holiday fat girl wear."  She loves clothes.
I'm lucky to toss a clean muu muu over my head most days in summer
and sweats the rest of the time.
It's not like I'm not vain though.
Four times a year I get my hair done
and the annual cost is more than my first car.
Add the full face wax the same day
and you're nearly at the down payment of our house!

(My first car was a faded army green 1965 Volvo sedan with 250,000 miles
which I bought at Ravenna motors in 1976 for $500.00 )