What I Carry in my Substitute Teaching Bag

1 Aspirin
2 Smiles
3 Pencils, highlighters, Sharpies
4 Patience
5 Name tags
6 Kindness & sugar-free candy and gum
7 Clipboard
8 Vigilance
9 Sub Feedback Forms
10 A bag of two dozen one inch long pencil stubs
that I have collected from third grade boys.
Third grade is the year the door closes
on Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.
It is the year that another door opens,
of endless possibilities.
When I get a full time job,
I'm taking my stubs to John the Jeweler
and having them gold-plated
into a necklace.
I will wear it every time I go to work
to remind me.
Remind me of the endless possibilities.

I feel like I'm forgetting something.
Oh yeah-my whip!
What else do you think I need?

Teen Boys Cooking

I felt like a popsicle as the sun set.
I got up and tipped over all my bird baths
and emptied milk gallon water drips
in preparation for the twenty degree night.
Working late really stunk since I only
had a half hour of daylight before my birds
left my bird sanctuary and went to roost.
As I entered the warm house,
wonderful odors wafted across the kitchen
and tickled tantalizingly up my nose.
Teddy and his friend Krystian
were sitting at the dining room table
and I walked over and peered at their food.
They had made rice, heated a frozen pizza with
a side of pizza bites, along with
sauteed hotdogs. These were sliced at an angle
and coated with a secret sauce and spices.
Way past my boil and shove in a bun capabilities.
"That smells so good. May I try some?" I said.
Teddy mumbled through a mouthful of pizza that I could.
I tried their odd medley
and went to type my homework in the living room.
Snug in my mama bear recliner with my feet up,
I cranked out my bibliographies
and got ready to go downstairs.
The dining room door burst open with
Troy and freezing air and he said
to his brother, "Dude. You have to try these."
He came over to me dangling a cookie.
"Want one mom? They are cinnamon roll cookies."
I thought of the lard I'd packed on over Christmas
and told him, "No thanks."
I changed my mind and raised my hand and he dropped one in.
It was THE TASTIEST COOKIE I had ever had in my entire life.
I begged for one more and he shook his head no.
I contemplated tackling him for the clear plastic
Safeway cookie container but he is now twice my size.
"I'll give you a dollar for another cookie." I said.
He looked in my wallet and told me all I had was a five.
"Take it! Take it!"
The cookie melted in my mouth
with all the flavor in the world.

1/16/2012 The Walking Man and Other Indignities on the Bike Trail

After blasting down the bike trail a quarter mile,
I was winded and stepped to the side to
catch my breath.
I heard soft falls next to me
and watched the tall man walk past.
As I rested I visualized myself roaring past
him at my top speed.
It just didn't work out for me.
My blazing fast top speed jogging
is so slow,
that not only did I not roar past him,
I could not catch up to him.
Of course he had legs as long as Gulliver
and a stride a mile wide.
Every morning after that I waited for
The Walking Man to get
a really good head start past my house to
avoid the humiliation of getting
passed up while jogging by a walker.
Tough on the ego that was.
Not as bad as the new mother
pushing a stroller whizzing by me.

1/13/13 Spear Fishing With Laundry Packets

Sweat dripped down the collar of my thin
shirt, making it cling to my back.
I could hear rustling in the vines
draped eloquently over the small creek.
God knows what kind of snakes
lived in the dense Amazon jungle.
It seemed like a green, moving tunnel
as I navigated my rough dugout canoe
along the slow water.
I could hear the small waterfall
before I could see it.
As I rounded the tight bend
I could see it.
The water spilling twenty feet
in a thin yet rigorous fashion.
My delight at the beauty
turned to excitement as
I peered over the edge of my craft
down into the swirling water.
I clasped my spear
into my calloused hand
and sat motionless.
The small blue fish circled
through the swirling mass
and I let loose a mighty jab.
Success!
The small fish was speared dead on.
I moved my spear and it's guts
spread blue through the water.
The water stopped.
I looked up.
I needed to close the lid on
my washing machine
to advance to the agitation cycle.

1/9/13 CBS, or Cold Butt Syndrome

So last week I called Brenny and told her
I had CBS.
She said, "Oh, I love The Big Bang Theory!"
I didn't know what that was but I said,
"No, no, no. I have Cold Butt Syndrome."
She said, "Me too and I have CFS also."
"You got a job at Central Forwarding System?!
I worked there in '77!"
"No, no, no." She said.
"I have Cold Feet Syndrome."
I told her a girl from high school said she had CNS.
"Do you think she has Cold Nose Syndrome?" I asked.
"Maybe she meant Cold knees Syndrome
and can't spell."
I guess we'll never know.