My Fat Free Popcorn Made Me Fat!

It's my dentist's fault that I gained five pounds last week!
I got the call he is moving and the only appointment available
is two weeks before school lets out. Stupid tooth implant.
My principal is NOT happy.
And I'm worried sick. I'm terrified of the dentist.
The last implant two years ago had me flying the couch for
two weeks. Every time I sat up my head rang for a half hour.
I eat when I'm nervous and with Terry out of town
and not entertaining me it got worse.
I gained ten pounds surviving the coldest winter in
one hundred years so I bought an air popper popcorn popper
but it eliminated ALL flavor. My shredded nerves had me eating non-stop.
I thought I was so smart to buy the glass popper from Amazon.
It worked great until I decided a half teaspoon of butter would
make ten cups of flavorless popcorn taste better.
It DID! I soothed my nerves eating eighteen cups of popcorn a night.
But, a half cup tasted even better and next thing I knew
I had eaten a pound of butter on my popcorn in one week.
I got stuck trying to zip my favorite Route 66 dress over
my back fat yesterday and had to ask Maureen to fold my
fat flaps in and zip me up. UGH.
My fat free popcorn made me fat!
AND, I still have to go to the dentist.

Mayomo Mi Tee-shirt Porfavor? Most Embarrassing Moment

My face was bright red as I approached the first table
in the Chitzanitza shopping plaza.
"Mayomo Mi Tee-shirt Porfavor?" I said to the small lady.
I held up my dollars and her face cracked into a huge smile.
"When my husband drove over the speed bump the gas gauge
showed a full tank of gas. You see it had only been stuck on E
and so we didn't need to use our money for gas so I can buy back
all my souvenirs which I had returned for the money from you
because that was the last of our cash and we needed to get to the ferry."
I don't think she knew what I said but the younger lady next to
her did, especially when I repeated myself and pantomimed
what had happened.  Soon the one hundred ladies were
rolling on the floor laughing as they rapidly repeated the
story to the stalls next them and it went around the whole plaza.
After a long drive from Tulum to the pyramid and exploration
of Chitzanita, Terry and I had gone to the plaza and bought a
hundred dollars worth of tee-shirts, mini chacmools and onnxy pyramids.
Unfortunately it was our LAST cash so when we got to the parking
lot and Terry saw the gas tank empty he had a fit.
We got out in the parking lot and were shouting at each other
when the helpful policeman came by. Terry went on and on about
how someone had siphoned off all our gas so he went for a gas can
and put in enough to get us to the gas station a mile away.
Then Terry backed out and went over a speed bump
which jarred the gas tank back to 3/4 full.
He turned to me and pleadingly said, "Honey, can you please go back
and buy all our souvenirs from the ladies?"
I told him we could go together but he said he was too embarrassed.
So, I swallowed my pride and went back and re-bought all our souvenirs,
much to the delight of our Mexican vendors.

My Husband Will Buy Anything!

I wish I could put a block on the infomerical channels.
After Terry's watches the Amish stove one for four hours
he'll ALWAYS buy another one.
You could dress up as an old Amish guy
and sell Terry anything.
We have six Amish stoves and counting.
When the boxes arrive he spends an hour admiring the photograph
of the old bearded guy driving his horse drawn cart full of stoves.
I think that's why he married me. I sound Amish.
One time thirty years ago I was working a flight and
a man asked me if I was Amish because of my accent.
Anytime I want to go out to dinner all I have to do is
use my Amish accent.
Now if I could only find an informericial of the old, bearded
Amish guy selling one of those robot vacuum cleaners!