Sunday, March 23, 2014

Conga Line in the Library

I looked at my principal
with an apologetic face,
"I'm so sorry Jim. I would
have never thought the kids would
stampede in a million years."
He looked at me and said,
"Look at it as a learning moment.
You did set a precedent at the party
that the library is a wild place
where there is sometimes
unacceptable behavior."
My heart sank.
I'm not well-known for making
the best decisions and the party
did get a little wild.
It was a shock to me as I led
twenty fourth and fifth grade girls
around our huge library in a conga line,
to look up and see kids up
on top of the bookshelf.
It had to be the EXACT minute
Jim walked in to check on the party.
I swear, the minute I saw them up there
I quit dancing and ran over
and told them to get down.
I was hopping mad.
It took me two weeks to plan the
party with the PTA!
The kids got Papa John's pizza
in pepperoni and cheese toppings,
Caesar salad, fruit, lemonade,
ice cream, Girl Scout cookies AND
green home made green Rice Crispy treats.
For Pete's sake. That's my favorite treat
and they were all gone when the kids
went back to class After the party
Our theme was "The Luck of the Irish."
For our Battle of the Books wrap party,
I made the mistake of inviting ALL the
original teams AND their boosters,
which swelled the kids up to seventy.
The stampede happened a week later
when they came for their yearbook picture
and they were good until I said,
"You are now dismissed for recess."
It was the first sunny day of spring
and they ran screaming out the library
and down the hall before I could stop them.
I did not predict that. UGH.
So, if I do get rehired for next year
it will be somewhat of a miracle.

Friday, March 21, 2014

The Baked Baby Suit

"Oh miss" the young soldier said
as I reached over his head to
turn off his call button,
"I seem to have a problem with
my baby. She just threw up
all over herself."
I looked down at the cute,
chubby little girl and asked
how old she was. "She is only
six months old and I'm taking her
to see my parents for the first time."
Boston to LA is about five hours
and we had just finished our meal service.
I smiled warmly and said, "Don't worry
about a thing, I'll help you put
her in a clean outfit."
His dark eyebrows came together
and I followed his gaze down
to the tiny diaper bag.
"I didn't bring another outfit."
My brain spun wildly for a minute
before I could think of what to do.
Sure I was trained by an FBI specialist
for what to do in a hi-jacking,
but they seemed to have forgotten to
train us about baby puke.
"I have an idea. I can wash
and dry her outfit in an hour and in the
meantime you can roll her up in a blanket."
I took the soiled outfit to the restroom
and pumped as much soap as I could
and then filled the sink with hot water.
After a wash and rinse repeat cycle
I was good to go.
I did some serious wringing out
and popped into my galley and decided on
a hot start then a heat reduction,
like a blackberry cobbler.
The MD80 aft galley is a tiny hole
off to one side of the rear aisle
and I shut the curtain, lest the passengers
saw what I was up to.
After fifteen minutes at 425, I lowered
the heat to 325 and rotated the suit every
ten minutes. I was sliding out the narrow
rack when my buddy-bidder Theresa showed
up. She looked at the fuzzy terrycloth
and said, "Whatcha makin buddy?"
I smiled at my fresh, dry little outfit
and said, "Oh, just baked baby suit."

Whale Watching on San Juan Island June 2013

I shouted in my head.
I knew it was my ferry pulling out of the dock
as I came down the hill from Anacortes.
Ack, ferry phobia as my step-dad Jerry would say.
I pulled down and knew I'd missed the boat.
I bought my ticket and the man informed me cheerfully
that I ONLY had to wait three hours for loading.
Next to whale watching and the Department of Motor Vehicles,
ferry boat waiting has taught me everything I'll ever need to know about
So I roamed around, reread my schedule, roamed around,
looked at my trashy novel and roamed around some more.
Luckily there was a Pepto Bismal pink zip hoodie
in the tiny gift shop to save me.
The minute I got to my van with it,
I realized I was far too old to wear pink,
and that I had made a huge fashion mistake.
Oh well.