HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND
1. Open all doors, stand back, and let young lady proceed you. This INCLUDES CARs. (except buses Get on first pay for 2 adults, let her select seats)
2. Pull her chair out for her and gently slide it in as she sits.
3. Listen without interrupting until she is done speaking. Give NO unsolicited advice, feedback or opinions EVER. ASK, “Would you like my advice, feedback or opinion?” If yes, proceed if no, shut up.
4. Pay for everything even if she insists.
5. Let her decide ALL activities UNLESS she ASKS you to pick something. This includes the picking of all TV shows & movies. Pretend to enjoy chick flicks (or just sleep through them like your dad)
6. IF she will do laundry for you tell her, “Honey, anything I forget in the pockets is yours.” LEAVE A TWENTY-DOLLAR BILL IN YOUR DIRTY PANTS EACH TIME.
7. ASK HER her favorite flower then BUY SOME (monthly)
8. ASK HER her favorite chocolate BUY A SMALL AMOUNT (girls diet all the time) (monthly)
9. UPON GREETING AND PARTING: HUG, SMALL KISS
10. PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN
11. Ditch all BAD HABITS: booze, grass, tobacco, gambling, profanity and anything tawdry. TWO DRINK LIMIT then water.
12. DON’T SLURP!!!
13. Turn OFF your cell phone. Don’t put it on vibrate, turn it OFF.
14. Praise and cuddle her constantly and HOLD HANDS WHEN YOU WALK.