Teen Boys Cooking

I felt like a popsicle as the sun set.
I got up and tipped over all my bird baths
and emptied milk gallon water drips
in preparation for the twenty degree night.
Working late really stunk since I only
had a half hour of daylight before my birds
left my bird sanctuary and went to roost.
As I entered the warm house,
wonderful odors wafted across the kitchen
and tickled tantalizingly up my nose.
Teddy and his friend Krystian
were sitting at the dining room table
and I walked over and peered at their food.
They had made rice, heated a frozen pizza with
a side of pizza bites, along with
sauteed hotdogs. These were sliced at an angle
and coated with a secret sauce and spices.
Way past my boil and shove in a bun capabilities.
"That smells so good. May I try some?" I said.
Teddy mumbled through a mouthful of pizza that I could.
I tried their odd medley
and went to type my homework in the living room.
Snug in my mama bear recliner with my feet up,
I cranked out my bibliographies
and got ready to go downstairs.
The dining room door burst open with
Troy and freezing air and he said
to his brother, "Dude. You have to try these."
He came over to me dangling a cookie.
"Want one mom? They are cinnamon roll cookies."
I thought of the lard I'd packed on over Christmas
and told him, "No thanks."
I changed my mind and raised my hand and he dropped one in.
It was THE TASTIEST COOKIE I had ever had in my entire life.
I begged for one more and he shook his head no.
I contemplated tackling him for the clear plastic
Safeway cookie container but he is now twice my size.
"I'll give you a dollar for another cookie." I said.
He looked in my wallet and told me all I had was a five.
"Take it! Take it!"
The cookie melted in my mouth
with all the flavor in the world.

1/16/2012 The Walking Man and Other Indignities on the Bike Trail

After blasting down the bike trail a quarter mile,
I was winded and stepped to the side to
catch my breath.
I heard soft falls next to me
and watched the tall man walk past.
As I rested I visualized myself roaring past
him at my top speed.
It just didn't work out for me.
My blazing fast top speed jogging
is so slow,
that not only did I not roar past him,
I could not catch up to him.
Of course he had legs as long as Gulliver
and a stride a mile wide.
Every morning after that I waited for
The Walking Man to get
a really good head start past my house to
avoid the humiliation of getting
passed up while jogging by a walker.
Tough on the ego that was.
Not as bad as the new mother
pushing a stroller whizzing by me.

1/13/13 Spear Fishing With Laundry Packets

Sweat dripped down the collar of my thin
shirt, making it cling to my back.
I could hear rustling in the vines
draped eloquently over the small creek.
God knows what kind of snakes
lived in the dense Amazon jungle.
It seemed like a green, moving tunnel
as I navigated my rough dugout canoe
along the slow water.
I could hear the small waterfall
before I could see it.
As I rounded the tight bend
I could see it.
The water spilling twenty feet
in a thin yet rigorous fashion.
My delight at the beauty
turned to excitement as
I peered over the edge of my craft
down into the swirling water.
I clasped my spear
into my calloused hand
and sat motionless.
The small blue fish circled
through the swirling mass
and I let loose a mighty jab.
Success!
The small fish was speared dead on.
I moved my spear and it's guts
spread blue through the water.
The water stopped.
I looked up.
I needed to close the lid on
my washing machine
to advance to the agitation cycle.

1/9/13 CBS, or Cold Butt Syndrome

So last week I called Brenny and told her
I had CBS.
She said, "Oh, I love The Big Bang Theory!"
I didn't know what that was but I said,
"No, no, no. I have Cold Butt Syndrome."
She said, "Me too and I have CFS also."
"You got a job at Central Forwarding System?!
I worked there in '77!"
"No, no, no." She said.
"I have Cold Feet Syndrome."
I told her a girl from high school said she had CNS.
"Do you think she has Cold Nose Syndrome?" I asked.
"Maybe she meant Cold knees Syndrome
and can't spell."
I guess we'll never know.

12/23/2012 Lost Wages Tomato Aspic

Lost Wages Tomato Aspic
Ingredients:
1 Big can of V-8 Juice
1 Small jar cocktail sauce
1 Big box of lemon Jello
1 Pound shrimp of some sort
4 Ripe avocados (don't stall out buying them because they won't be ripe!)
1 Overpriced can of sliced olives unless you are ambitious enough to slice some
Fresh celery of some kind

Put the V-8 & cocktail sauce in a microwave bowl until it boils
Pour it in a baking pan of some sort
Add the Jello and stir it in really, really well
Stick it in the fridge for about a half hour, maybe more
Pull it out and lay in the shrimp and cados and celery bits & olives
Refrigerate overnight with a Keep Out sign on it
Cut in squares and put on little plates
If you are fancy, put a leaf of lettuce underneath!

My mom always made tomato aspic for Christmas.
I sure miss her.
This recipe always makes me feel close to my mom
even though she has been gone a long, long time now.
She only put in a little bit of celery.
She always put a teaspoon of mayonnaise on top. Ew.

I changed it up a bit to taste like a shrimp cocktail.
Shrimp cocktails always remind me of Las Vegas,
which Brenny calls Lost Wages,
hence the silly name.
When I eat it and it tastes like a shrimp cocktail I feel like
a young flight attendant again
on a layover in Las Vegas.
The thrill of seeing slot machines when we
stepped off the plane.
The anticipation of hitting the casino buffet with my
Buddy-Bidder Theresa,
and eating huge, cheap shrimp cocktails!

8?15/2012 What IS That Brown Stuff?!

I sat on the pool deck preparing
to inflate my air mattress even fuller.
As I looked down through the clear plastic
I could see some brown liquid inside.
"What IS that brown stuff?!" I thought to myself.
Only air goes inside an air mattress.
I sniffed the valve.
EWWW!
Chewing tobacco juice!
I couldn't believe it.
I look at my husband in the pool
and said, "Ew Honey, that's gross."
"How did that get inside my air mattress?"
He had the good grace to look apologetic and said,
"It was an accident."
I love my husband, but there are a few
habits of his that really gross me out.
I've survived my marriage by always trying
to focus on my own behavior,
but sometimes it's hard.
People are going to do what they are going to do.
Besides, chewing tobacco isn't his worst bad habit.
Trust me, you don't want to know...

8/14/2012 You're NOT My Grandma!

The little baby sat happily on her beach blanket
playing with her toys.
Her limp beach ball was her run-a-way favorite
and I swear it looked like she kept trying to
blow it up.
Heloise was only six months old, with dark blue eyes
and light brown wispy hair.
She had on a blue checked sundress with
matching bucket hat that covered her little head to her chin.
There is a gap when your children are grown,
before you get grandchildren, that can make you crazy.
All of a sudden that old biological clock
starts ringing and you crave babies.
Smart design we have, reinforced by mirrors
showing every wrinkle, that create a desire
for immortality, through grandchildren.
Terry started it by mentioning that the people in
the cabin next to us had a really cute baby.
The day before I had seen three baby raccoons,
three baby sea otters and one spotted baby deer.
I was in a baby frenzy after that.
I saw the young couple walking to the resort viewing bench
and grabbed a cup of coffee and
non-chalantly followed them down there.
I admired their baby, and casually mentioned
had two children, was a school teacher,
had been a scout leader for years...
Anything to sell my trustworthiness
because I wanted to babysit!
The next day as we left for a bike ride
I stopped at their cabin to see
if they might like to take our canoe for a spin
to see the seals and their pups in the bay up close
and of course I could watch the baby right there
on the beach where they could see her at all times.
So back to the beach.
Heloise played with her beach ball, then four different rattles
and we were having a wonderful time.
She could even say, "Goo!"
After a half hour I leaned over to pass her the pacifier.
Quick as a lightning she snatched my sunglasses
off my face and stared into my eyes.
Her deafening howl said
"You're NOT my grandmother!"
Busted.
Luckily, her mom and dad were on their way into the beach
and I only had to have my ears pierced for five minutes.
That Eloise!
She is one smart baby.